he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
