Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
