my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
