I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
