you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
