First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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