Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
