you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
