jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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