So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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