I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I CAN MOONWALK!
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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