I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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