my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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