I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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