no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
