fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
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I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
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I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS