Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
