Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
