Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
