Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I will die if light touches me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
