I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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