I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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