So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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