so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
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There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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