You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
