now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
