Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just threw up on my dentist
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
