dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
