I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel great
I just peed on a car
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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