I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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