Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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