Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I FOUND THE LEGS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
