so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
