At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Ladies don't puke and tell
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
