Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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