I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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