It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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