i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
