Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
