Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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