How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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