i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
