I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
