I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
