you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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