I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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