we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
