My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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