What a fucking waste of an outfit
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
