I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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