I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
