Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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