He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She bit a glass in half.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
