I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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