I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
how drunk are you?
Several
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
