He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
