I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
