I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
