2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize