After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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